VERY random thoughts of the day...

Mind you, these thoughts are in NO way organized. I just feel like talking, and figured this was a good outlet for that. These thoughts are also not WELL THOUGHT OUT. therefore, after typing half of them, i'll probably change my mind on my opinions of them. :)
With that in mind, if you are still willing, you may proceed. :)

Thought #1: harry Potter
why did I never read Harry Potter? I love to read! Why did I never read these books that are supposedly so amazing and monumental. I have NO idea. But, Topher and I got invited by his family to go to the midnight showing of the movie that's coming out, so Topher and I have begun to read the book before the one coming out, and also the book that IS coming out. So, we've been listening to it on tape, and I actually like it a lot. Did you know, the guy who does the voices on the books on tape, won a GRAMMY for his amazing voices, and also went in the GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS for "most voices in one recording", or something like that. he's amazing.

(I told you this post would be boring, so its your own fault if your rolling your eyes, wondering "WHY THE HECK AM I READING THIS?!")

Thought #2: Pregnant
I want to be pregnant so bad!! Its ridiculous!! EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG seems to be telling me how dumb it is to want to be pregnant, and how I need to wait, and how I shouldn't rush, and I need to finish school, and I'm so young, and a dozen other reasons to wait!! I would be willing to say that two thirds of all those reasons are valid. ANd yet, I STILL want to be pregnant. I want so badly to have a little baby in my tummy and to have food cravings and to gain weight like crazy in my tummy and to have a big balloon belly that I KNOW topher will rub everytime he sees it! I even don't mind the idea of being sick. This is mainly because for the past two weeks I have already had OVER HALF the syptoms of being pregnant, and I'M NOT PREGNANT!! What's the point of being sick if it's for NO GOOD REASON!!? I feel nauseaus, I have cramps, I'm always hungry, I CONSTANTLY have to go to the bathroom, I'm grumpy, I'm exhausted...all of those are pregnancy symptoms, but i'm NOT pregnant! I find that so unfair that I'm sick, and its for no good reason.

Thought #3: Money
I hate money. I only work because we need the money, and yet I hate to work. Why can't I ever find a job that I actually love to go to everyday, and that pays well?! I think that I'm just not a working person. I'm not meant to work. I think I am meant to be home everyday, clean house, cook for my husband and make lots of babies. Money and I just don't go well together. I always spend it, and then I get in trouble. And i hate making it. :(

Thought #4: School
I hate school. I don't want to finish because I feel like its going to take me an eternity. And I'm doing horrible in it anyways. I always thought maybe I was smart, deep down, and that I just wasn't motivated...but no, I think I really am just dumb. Besides, what good is school, when I'm not going to work anyways? I'll never get to have a career of my own, because I want kids...so what's the point of wasting money that my Mom and Dad worked hard to earn, on an education that will never be of any use to me? Now, I know that Pres. Hinckley wants us to get an education, and to be completely honest, I love to learn. I just feel so defeated in the area of school. Like I've hit rock bottom and will never be able to do well in school again. I feel like I'll never be able to just start over. The grades I got are official and on a transcript and that just sucks. I just feel like giving up, which I know is pathetic and wimpy. But its how I feel.

Thought #5: I'm pathetic.
I'm realizing that all my 'thoughts' have in some way been complaining. I should be so grateful for everything I have, and I should have faith that everything will work itself out. But for some reason, I just feel empty, and lost, and like things aren't going the way I want them too. I know I should be positive, and energetic. I know I need to be grateful for everything I have and stop whining and complaining. But its so hard because I feel like I have no motivation. I wish I could be one of those people that says, "This is what I want to do, so I'm gonna do it!", and that I could then actually DO IT. But I've never been able to be like that. I always say, "this is what I want", but then I never have the discipline to follow through. :(

big sigh...

i love my family. I love my husband. I love my apartment. My job is a good job that pays well and that fits my needs. I love to watch my husband fly kites. I don't need a baby RIGHT now. I can wait. I love my sisters. I love my MOm. I love my DAd. I love jaxon and gavin. I love babies. I love to snuggle baby Caden. I love baby Aaron's smile and giggle. I love my big brother! I loved how Anya was such an adorable tough goalie over the weekend. I love cooking. I love a clean house. I love to be outside. I love to learn. I love to read. I love Monster Milky candies.

I just need to remember these things that are important to me, because these are the things that really matter, (except the monster milkies...not so important) And I need to have faith that Heavenly Father loves me. ANd that he's not going to abandon me. If I feel empty its my own fault. And I need to remember to be strong. And to not give up.

Anyways...this was more like journal entry wasn't it?
If anyone actually read this whole thing...wow....i'm impressed with you. Thanks for reading.

Love you all!


Joe said...

Wow I'm the first to comment... I beat your sisters - thats nuts!

I couldn't agree with you more on school. And I think I can agree with you on a lot of what you said too. One thing I feel I'm being pushed to learn is "PATIENCE". That newly married stage is almost like being a kid again, you want to grow up and want to be at a particular level in your life. It just takes time, you'll grow, become educated, become wiser and life will just get better and better. Thats how I feel. I'm trying to forget about money - forget about the things I've been stressing about and just enjoy myself, I have NO reasons to be overwhelmed etc. our lives are so cush!

Super Daysh said...

I read it. You complain a lot. ;-) I would love to say that "I know how you feel" but I don't. Life is hard. But it's only hard for those that can handle it. I couldn't handle it, that's why my life is boring and not stressful. At least you know your tough. ;-) It will get better. It will only seem like a moment in a year or so and then you'll just think it was silly for being so concerned now. You will get your baby-don't worry. Maybe there is a good reason you aren't having one right now. You are getting the change to build and improve on other skills-learning how to better understand and help your kids. Maybe that's what it is. Or maybe not. Maybe your life just stinks other than your monster milkies... ;-) Either way, "this too shall pass". At least you have a sweet hubby to keep you company and make you feel better, right? Okay, I'm done blabbing. I'm bored today... Okay, feel better!

princess jen said...

Hi Buggy! I'm sorry you're so despondent. You have valid concerns and real worries. Welcome to being a grown-up! But cheer up and have fun. Enjoy time with just you and Topher because when your adorable little baby comes...you won't ever be just the 2 of you again. As for school, education is important and learning is important. But you need to figure out the best way you learn and then you might have better success.
Work hard! We love you!!

Mythreesons said...

Wah, wah, wah... I don't know why everyone babied you and tried to make you feel better with their comments. Grow up and stop whining... that's what being an adult is all about. Boo Hoo, it's no fun... wait till you have kids. :) Just kidding, little Bug... I love you, but you do need to finish school... how did your potatoes turn out last night?

Mythreesons said...

Alright, alright, maybe my comments were a bit harsh... but life does get tricky sometimes and the trick is to remember that this too shall pass... I love you Buggy! Go eat some chocolate... they you can get a little belly, without being pregnant! It worked for me.

Jason, Sara, Will & Adri said...

Cute Buggy! Yay for you for just getting it out! The chocolate will help too. I can totally relate with you. Having a baby just seems like so much fun and it is and it's exciting to be a novelty, but the time will come. I was married for 4 years before we had Will and believe me, there were many a times I wanted to just be pregnant, stop working, be out of school, be a mommie....but I don't regret one bit waiting. One of the benefits of being married young is that there is no rush and I valued that time with just me and Jason so very much. At the time school seemed like it would take forever...for both of us...and it was sometimes hard to not dwell on the future without enjoying today. But looking back, we did get through it and it went by so much faster than it seemed and I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I finished school and it was all just worth it. You'll be a mommie before you know it and you'll love it, but until then, enjoy today. I love you, babe?

Lady of the Rings said...

Rugbug... this too shall pass. When you are young, until about 30 or so, you want to be older and once you hit 40 you want to be younger. I remember how I longed for a baby, for school to be over and done with, for more money, a house of my own and on and on. Now I have all that, and it was rather shocking when you graduated and I had no more kids in highschool, and having you all married is the biggest shock of all. I look at my mother and think that in a few years I will be there too, waiting to die? but still having so much fun and hoping for just one more good year. Time is a strange thing. When you are young it drags its feet and when you get older it just rushes by. I whish it would slow down a bit, I am really enjoying myself. But it won't. So take it as it is, enjoy each and every day, because before long it will pass way too fast!
I love you, sweet one.
Hugs and kisses,

Super Daysh said...

You never update your blog.... Put some new stuff up there! This blog is now boring. ;-)